Monday, August 29, 2011
Something flipped a switch
Last week was a full but great week. Maybe it's because I went into it knowing I was going to be logging in a LOT of hours with my kids while Patrick (who works with Cru) started up on campus logging in a LOT of hours with our student leaders, reaching out to freshman and the campus as a whole.
For the first time in a while I felt alive and refreshed I think because I was allowing the Spirit to lead me. I felt like a whole new person. Today, however, I woke up and it was like last week was just a dream. I felt like I was back to my old ways of finding myself frustrated with my children and husband over little things that didn't seem to bother me last week.
I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on with me. I felt like something inside me had flipped a switch and I was no longer loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, full of faith, gentle, or controlled. Literally over night I had gone back to the mom and wife that I was a week ago. That seemed to add to the disappointment and frustration I was already feeling!
Why is it so hard to live by the Spirit and be giving? Patrick very graciously gave me some time this morning to sort out what was going on. I walked away with a few verses in my head but my attitude was still not up to par. As I write this I'm realizing that I can do anything for a short amount of time. I think I did fine last week because even though I do believe in and give credit to the Spirit for leading me, in the back of my mind I was thinking this will only last about a week. My body came off the adrenaline I was running on to get me through the week and I slid right back into the selfish pit I used to live in.
Hebrews 12: 1-2 says "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us RUN with ENDURANCE the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on JESUS on whom our faith depends from START to FINISH."
This is one thing I know I struggle with: getting weary of doing good. My "crowd of witnesses" are my kids and husband. They are my main ministry right now and I'm failing left and right! I can't even count how many times I have had a conversation with Patrick that ended with I will work on it. And I do, but after about a week or so I get weary of doing it. How frustrating for me and him to find ourselves right back where we were with a very similar conversation.
In the verse I wrote above it clearly says that it's keeping our eyes on Jesus and staying faithful that gets us from start to finish. I can only make it a week out of my life span which sounds about right in my human nature. But with God I can run the race with endurance the race HE has set before me.
I'm going to jump back in the race. I am going to place Hebrews 12 in various places in my house. I know I will mess up and make unwise choices but my hope and prayer is the gap between my actions and my repentance will get smaller and smaller! And instead of something flipping a switch inside I will live an emotionally steady life led by the Holy Spirit!